BARK! GRR! SNAP, GLUG GLUG. whimper … YIP!
BARK! BARK BARK. whine …
HSS? HSSS???

Leaf’s Log 17 Skerpla (187th day of 2nd Wizardry)

Today we tried to prevent the fey from from inciting a war between the town and some
wolves. Ranulfr didn’t seem to care very much about the wolves killing the townsfolk
but was rather upset about the fey messing with his subjects. To do this we decided to
move the portal that they were using to get to Midgard and cause problems. We found that the portal could only be changed during the new moon.

While waiting for the new moon Ranulfr found that some of his subjects were questioning his legitimacy and decided to address this by visiting the tomb of the previous wolf king to get a token to prove his legitimacy.

After that we disrupted the fey ritual and did our own to close the portal.

Successes:
Cast a spell.
Actually hit an enemy with a spell.
Incinerated an enemy.
Was NOT too shocked to act after incinerating an enemy.

Failures:
Did no damage at all to the enemy.
Shot an arrow. Hit a tree. Twice.
Even when I hit enemies with arrows it didn’t noticeably inconvenience them.

My success to failure ratio reached 1 to 1 for the first time ever. I have had a noticeable increase in success after getting married.

RRRUFF! OU OU, AROOO!

Leaf’s Log 4 Tvi-Manuthr (140th day of 2nd Wizardry)

Today my consciousness was forcibly summoned out of my body and across the worlds by the
LOUD GOD to advise him on how to incite a riot. I am still unclear how I came to his
attention or why I was chosen for this duty as the LOUD GOD refused to explain. After
explaining that I was not any good at inciting riots I was promptly ignored and any
subsequent attempts at speech shouted down. I appeared to be within the LOUD GOD’s mind
while he himself was was within a construct along with the god of ABS and the goddess of
class. The deities were within a city of trolls and seemed to successfully start a
large and violent riot without my aid. Why they were there or why it was necessary I
was not informed. After seeing some Fey leave the city under an illusion I was sent
back to my own body due to a particularly loud shout from the LOUD GOD.

Successes:
None.

Failures:
Failed to aid the gods, however I begin to have some concerns about them.

Session 72 – A Towering Proposal: The DM needs to think of a more clever name (the midquel)

While Þyrna is trolling with the dwarfs, the rest of the New Gods must travel across one of the frozen seas of Nidavellir to find and recover pieces of sacred cold iron from the troll city, all so they can reseal an awesomely powerful Faerie Sovereign who has been released from the seals that were placed by Odin back in the old days, when he wasn’t dead. But if it were ever that easy, that would be boring and flat, neither of which describe Stígandr’s abs, let alone this session. Probably.

(By Finnola)

In the absence of commentary from my… acquaintances… I shall provide illumination.

Literally.

Because my beautiful new mithral full-plate (and matching healing helmet!) give off a faint glow of radiance. These wondrous gifts were courtesy of a spirit lass, whom we saved in a dank, dark cave full of hill monsters. New party member Big Guy is now bigger and tougher, and the Werewolf King didn’t get a gift. I am not surprised since he already seems very complete and perfect, although he doesn’t know what a “robe” is. He thinks it’s a dress. I’d prefer the version where he didn’t know what a robe was, and so he walks around in various states of undress with little birds flying away behind him, in a dramatic way. Leaf’s thank you gift was the ability to turn into a little fairy, so now he can be the same manner of creature as his lovely wife Serra.

Oh yes… Leaf got married. I still can’t figure that one out. I mean, duh, it happened. I officiated the ceremony in my capacity of Cleric. But I’m still not sure how we got to that point. I don’t think they even knew each other for very long.

Whirlwind weddings are only appropriate for people who are clearly a perfect match for each other, such as myself and the Werewolf King.

Mask good! Rock spear hurt cold danger! Fire friend bad, fix friend good! Wolf friend small good. Magic friend no good, no bad. Food, sleep, dark, no dark. Big danger! Magic friend hurt, rock spear help! Cold water friend fix rock spear big!

Leaf’s Log 25 Harpa (55th day of 2nd Wizardry)

Eyvindr retired after his little creepy pet died. We then got sent far to the north. Conveniently a new guy and his big creepy pet decided to join us during the journey. I am still not sure why they decided to join us. Probably either a lack of options or intelligence. Also I apparently got married to a small fairy creature (Sarah) who is now following me around.

Successes:

Got married (somehow) to a woman who is both smarter and prettier than I am.
Cast a spell, hit a guy.
Won a singing contest with two wolf guys.

Failures:

She is the size of a house cat and I still have no idea how we got married in the first place.
Got tackled by the big creepy pet.
Lost a singing contest to an actual wolf.
Cast a spell hit a tree, twice.

I had a success to failure ratio of 0.60. Clearly married life is working out for me. Hopefully I can maintain this.

Looks like those vines…

Just got murdered.

YEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Leaf’s Log 1 Ein-Manuthr (20th day of 2nd Wizardry)

We got asked to wake up some gods. Apparently this involves dragging their bodies into the woods during a blizzard while being attacked by unseelie fey and saving the scouts that went out before us. Also, that fey hound was really scary.

Successes:
Hit a guy with a spell.
Hit a guy with an arrow.
Made an inspiring speech.

Failures:
Shot an arrow at a guy, hit rock. Three times.
Tried to stab a guy, hit the ground. Four times.
Almost died.
Got terrified by a dog.

My success to failure ratio has gone to 0.33. This is clearly an improvement over the 0 from the spirit world but I am starting to think that I am not a very good wizard. Perhaps I should try divine magic. The question is which god would trust me with magic.

Sung to the tune of!

There’s a raven alone who says the gods are stone
And we’re riding a bone sled of awesome.
When we get there he knows, we’ll take them through the snows
With a quest we can get gods back home soon.
Ooh, ooh, and we’re riding a bone sled of awesome.

Down below, ogremen come to kill us again,
Some can fly, some can shoot and some melee.
And a ways down the course, there’s a witch on a horse,
And the bird thinks we should take the long way.
Ooh, should go the back way,
Ooh, should go the back way.

There’s a feeling I feel when I look down the hill,
And I send a few rocks just to test them.
In my ears I can hear sounds of anger and fear,
And the voices of those who would hurt us.
Ooh, screw the back way,
Ooh, we’re going down the fast way.

With a boulder in front, it absorbs all the brunt,
Of the forces amassed in our pathway.
As it picks up the snow, it continues to grow
And we know soon we’ll have to avoid it.

There’s guys approaching up in the sky, and they can all fly,
And with a glare they shoot arrows.
But soon they come down into melee, and then they’re our prey,
Their boots explode or burst or something.
And I miss the back way.

The ladies sail in like a menace, and we play tennis,
Finnola wins with a hair flip,
Eyvindr hugs the one in charge now, we still don’t know how,
And Leaf was there to make us look good.

And as we sled on down the hill,
An avalanche begins to spill.
It gets the women in the ice,
But Litli gives that snow a slice
With some weird thing we’ve never seen,
Which gives us all a plan that’s keen.
We sail on up the rift he made,
We ride the wave and shout the score:
An army felled by just us four.

And we’re riding a bone sled of awesome.

Leaf’s Log 15 Goi (5th day of 2nd Wizardry)

Rangering didn’t work out very well, so I am trying Wizarding again. A shadow rat god offered us a bonehemoth in exchange for waking up a few awesome gods. We accepted and got transferred to the spirit world. I nearly got eaten by a big dog and Litli went to investigate (kill) some voices. We found the awesome gods but there were a bunch of unseelie there as well.

Successes:
None.

Failures:
My spirit animal is a duck billed platypus.
Failed to spot ambush. Nearly got eaten.
Cast a spell, hit a rock. Three times. In three rounds.
Fired and arrow, hit a tree.
Tried to hit a helpless unconscious enemy, missed.

Zero successes and seven failures. I have fallen below even the bards in competence. Clearly the spirit world is not for me. I need to find a way back the normal world before I somehow manage of go negative.

Sung to the tune of!

Is this a letter?
Is it addressed to me?
I can’t read or write,
So I’ll go call the other three.
Open it up,
It’s from that short guy, I see,
I’m just a strong guy, I need no lit’racy,
Because I’m stabbing guys, bashing heads,
Finding foods, pulling sleds,
Since this thing can’t be read, I’ll give it to that guy, Litli,
Litli

Dwarf guy,
Just got a quest,
Get a cask down from the shelf, I can lift it by myself
Dwarf guy…we had just begun,
But now we find that magic’s flowing ‘round
Dwarf guy, oooh,
Gotta search in tunnels dark,
If we’re not back again this time tomorrow,
Run away, run away and then get Finnola here

Too dark, we’re underground,
Drag cart through tunnels deep, find a blacksmith who’s asleep
Hello, all the earth guys, you’ve got to go,
Got to kill you all and stop the magic leak
Dwarf guy, oooh,
I don’t want to die,
I think when we can’t flank, we’re gonna fall

(Guitar solo)

I stab a little silhouetto of a worm,
Finnola! Finnola! we’ve replaced you with cold brew!
Rocky men and charred things, fighting the guys guarding me!
It’s a thoqqua, It’s a thoqqua
It’s a thoqqua, It’s a thoqqua
It’s a thoqqua, then a snake
And tiny troll!

I’m just a swordwraith, nobody fights me
He’s just a swordwraith with his soul absentee,
Kill him to death and get some bones for free!
Deadly worms burning dwarves, will you light the bomb?
Explosion! No, we will not light the bomb
(Light the bomb!) Explosion! We will not light the bomb
(Light the bomb!) Explosion! We will not light the bomb
(Light my bomb) Will not light the bomb
(Light my bomb)(Never) Never light the bomb
(Light my bomb) Never light the bomb (Light my bomb) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh dwarven blacksmith, dwarven blacksmith, dwarven blacksmith, light the bomb
Bonarium has a ton of stuff we’ll take for free, for free,
for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So you think you can web me and poison my gnome?!?!
So you think you can bite me and then run on home?!?!
Oh, baby, got no bones to steal, baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!

(Guitar solo)

No one really missed us, didn’t care at all,
No one really missed us,
No one missed us at Meiðarhöll…

Any way the booze flows…

Leaf’s Log 24 Thorri (36th day of Rangering)

We scouted three locations for possible settlement. One was full of gates and horses, another was full of murder vines, and the last was full dogs. The dogs attacked us and thus are no longer filling the location. It was chosen for settlement.

Failures:
Tried to follow a magic sense, Went the opposite direction.
Tried to move silently, forgot to stop humming my theme song.
Fight started, failed to notice until after everyone else had begun.
Cast a spell at a horse, hit a tree in the other direction.
Tried to forage for food. Mistook deathberries for blueberries.
A vine tried to kill Litli, I slept through the first half of the fight.
Cast a spell at a dog, hit a rock.
Tried to stab a dog, hit the ground, three times.

Successes:
Actually managed to hit a horse with a spear.
Managed to dodge attacking murder vines while asleep.
Actually hit attacking murder vines with a spear.
Actually hit a dog with a spear.

My success to failure ratio has increased to 0.40. This is better than the 0.375 that I had as wizard and the 0.174 that I had as a bard. However I still fail to comprehend how the others manage to get above 1.0. Maybe I should try wizard again. Determining which berries are poisonous and which direction to go are surprisingly difficult. Casting spells was easier even if I couldn’t hit anything with them.

(By Finnola)

It would appear that the rest of the group declined to relate the events which happened this week; once again, it is up to me to pick up the slack and make sure we adhere to a higher standard, one befitting myself, the chosen of Balder.

What happened then? The same thing which happens every time we sally forth… I lead thoughtfully. I build bridges between the peoples of this noble land, forming new bonds of peace and understanding. I bring forth beauty and grace!


More importantly, I decided during the time of our journeys that it is time for me to find a young man to help me pass on my gifts to a new generation. It is clear, due to my many, many victories on the battlefield, that the blood of my great grandfather runs true in me. I believe, like in the stories of old, that it will only get stronger in each subsequent generation.

I will require a handsome, remarkable fellow. A protector and provider who is good in the sack. Yes. This is my quest now.

Sung to the tune of!

Now this is a story all about how
Our wheat got sled-run back to town
And I liked to take a minute just sit down, Holmes
And tell you how we got the stuff for a sled made of bones.

Iiiiiiin east-facing mountain dens, helped a fey
In his hovel is where we started out our day
Chillin out, maxin, checking out terrain
While the guy who wasn’t Litli’s father turned gold into grain
When a couple of cows who were ugly as sin
Showed up with the magic cart we’d travel in
We loaded things up and the fey was glad
And said “don’t travel in the day or your speed will be bad”
We hemmed and hawed, asking for more loot
But he didn’t have things we could use en route
He gave us some bones for our magical sled
So we went on our way and tried not to to be dead

First day out, things were alright
Except for the things that attacked in the night
Is this what we should expect on our trip?
Hmm…let’s abandon ship
But wait, except Leaf, we’re doing just fine
Perhaps pantsless schoolgirl guys are in decline
I wasn’t quite sure, so when things were aligned
I kicked him away and left him behind

Well, ah, the town got close, it was nearly in view
When a scary guy came up and nearly ran us all through
Now that it was light we could stand and do battle
And keep the magic ogre from killing our cattle
We gathered the party and started combat
Though Litli was effective like the tiniest cat
If anything I can say I had that fight down
But I thought “Nah, forget it, let’s head into town!”

We pulled up to the farm after six or eight days
Of hauling back wheats and helping out feys
We sent out the goods, mighty heroes were we
And we had a good rest and got to level three

Leaf’s Log 18 Yule (89th day of wizardry)

Not Litli’s Father, Lotli, visited Nýjarheim . Apparently he was attacked by a bunch of pants-less schoolgirls who shot fireballs at his invisible flying horse (at least according to Eyvindr). He wanted us to escort him home. We agreed, and were attacked by the pants-less schoolgirls’ minions and later by some skeletons. After getting him home he gave us some bones for our bone sleigh and some wheat to take back to the village.

Successes:

Actually hit a fey with a spear.
Actually hit a fey with an arrow.
Successfully found food in the forest.

Failures:

Tried to help Eyvindr pull a plow. Housecat was stronger.
Tried to make lanyard for Litli. Made a bird’s nest instead.
Looked for fey in the forest. Noticed them after Eyvindr sprouted an arrow.
Cast a spell. Hit a tree.
Fired an arrow. Hit a tree. Three times.
Lotli was replaced with a stone statue. Didn’t notice until the next day.
Fired an arrow. Hit a mountain. Twice.
Thought piercing worked well on skeletons. Learned otherwise.

My success to failure ratio has increased to 0.375. This is much better than the 0.174 that I had as a bard. However I still fail to comprehend how the others manage to get above 1.0. Maybe I should try ranger. That doesn’t seem too hard.

Sung to the tune of!

Everybody gather ‘round and listen to my song!
No! Don’t get up and run away; I swear it won’t take long!
It’s all about our youngest folk and all the good they do,
So listen now, and don’t spit on them when they talk to you!

Evindr of the Lastname clan can toss a horse alone
can haul more than a giant and checks in at sixteen stone.
He doesn’t have a silver tongue, and speaks more than he should,
but since he’s large, nobody stops him, even if they could.

Finnola Randulfsdottir is a paragon of light,
Descended from the great Hallbjörn, she channels Baldur’s might.
She’s smart and nice and beautiful and heals you with pizzazz
But I don’t need to tell you that since she already has.

Leaf, the son of Faraldr, is quite the average guy.
He tried to be a bard one time, but that has gone awry.
He now casts spells (not many, though), but still he isn’t great.
Who knows how many jobs he’ll try before he plays one straight?

Litli is a little man, as strange as he is small:
He swings his fists in fights and doesn’t use an axe at all.
Often folks don’t see him, or think that he’s a mime.
(Someone tell him whisper gnomes don’t whisper all the time!)

Their story starts some days ago, when early in the morn,
A druid asked them to go check on farmers left forlorn
Who had not come to Meiðarhöll for far too many days.
They quickly found one house ransacked, another set ablaze.

The found a perpetrator (on whom they put the blame
because they all were bushed, and he was someone new to maim).
They talked a lot and chased him off (a mighty victory!)
But found him soon and fought a bear while he went absentee.

The next day came, and all as one, they stormed his secret lair
Allied with a super dog! (I guess Unnr was there).
They fought a wolf (not well) (but still, the point is that they won)
And when had they saved everyone, their starting quest was done.

So those of you who stuck around, thank you for your ear,
And worry not, for we will all protect our great frontier!
(Though everyone should know that I can’t make a song each night,
for since I’m a barbarian, I cannot read or write.)

- Gary poops Stigandr’s sparkles.
- Gary is half dragon. This has nothing to do with bloodline; he once ate an entire dragon.
- Ragnarok? What already happened wasn’t Ragnarok. That was only the warm-up for Garydammerung.
- Gary eats mistletoe for breakfast.
- Thyrna settled for Stigandr because Gary is already married.
- There is no Prose Edda, only Prose Gary.
- Heimdall guards the gateway to Asguard so the gods don’t leave to be with Gary.
- Warriors go to Valhalla, Valkyries go to Gary’s lawn.
- Ragnarok was created as a distraction, so people don’t worry as much about Gary the Unicorn.
- There can be no Gary-Warriors because the world would explode from too much badassery. Signy settled for Bear-Warrior.
- Hugin and Munin aided Odin. Odin aided Gary, hoping some awesome would rub off on him.
- Gary is his own alignment.
- Loki met Gary. Loki retired and decided to go live in a cave.
- VAKR yells because it’s the only way he’ll be heard over the sound of Gary’s AWESOME.
- There used to be a world-tree, until Gary needed to pick his teeth. Got a frost giant stuck in there.
- Gary has no clerics, as no mortal could follow Gary’s example.
- Gary didn’t die. He’s just filling in for all the dead gods.
- BEARS WORSHIP GARY.